Four Loves and Their Application for Us


Outline:

  • Four Types of Love by C.S. Lewis: https://www.cslewis.com/four-types-of-love/
  • Storge (Affection/Filial)
  • Philia (Friendship)
  • Eros (Romantic)
  • Agape (Unconditional)
  • How to Distinguish Between These Loves
  • How to View Various Feelings of Love
  • How to View Our Identity 
  • Application

Four Types of Love by C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis is known for his definitions of love. According to him there are four types of love that one experiences: Storge, Philia, Eros and Agape. We can get confused by feeling one type of love and thinks it must be romantic (Eros) love.

Storge (Affection/Filial)

  • Storge (Affection/Filial) covers an array of loving feelings. 
  • It is the affection we feel for the people we interact with in our normal day-to-day life.
  • It can be feelings of love toward our family members or living beings we feel close to, like our pet. 
  • It is especially experienced between family members: Child for the parent and parent for the child; between siblings. 
  • It enables us to have a sense of belonging. 

Philia (Friendship)

  • Philia requires time spent together to develop.
  • It is usually developed over a common interest or a common activity.
  • It knits people together over a common goal or vision.
  • It is like companionship or a sense of camaraderie.
  • It is often not talked about and just experienced over a common bond.

Eros (Romantic)

  • Eros is the state of “being in love.”
  • It is usually two people totally absorbed in each other.
  • It is not just sexual feelings toward another, as one can act on their sexual feeling without love being attached to it.
  • It is not fickle.
  • It enables one to spontaneously love the other selflessly.
  • Its intimacy is a foretaste of God’s love for His followers, as the Bridegroom loves the Bride (the church).

Agape (Unconditional)

  • Agape is God’s unconditional love for us.
  • It is an all-out-love that requires full dedication of our mind, soul and will (volition).
  • It is the love that God demands from us to love God and love others with.
  • It encompasses loving when it’s inconvenient; loving those we do not see eye to eye, or disagree with; loving those we do not understand; loving those we do not know;  loving those we do not like or even hate; loving the unlovable. 
  • The other three loves are training ground for Agape to grow.
  • Jesus demonstrated His Ágape love in action in how He interacted with the sinners, the lepers, the outcasts of the society, and ultimately, in dying for us on the cross.
  • It is the love that lasts for eternity.

How to Distinguish Between These Loves

  • We usually feel/experience affection (Storge) first.
  • We can analyze our affection to see which of these loves are we experiencing in the moment.
  • Just because we feel a sense of affection, it does not necessarily mean we are experiencing romantic (Eros) love.
  • Our culture tells us that if we have any affectionate feelings toward another, it is most likely a romantic love – failing to acknowledge or appreciate the nuances of our affectionate and other loving feelings.
  • While Agape encompasses various aspects of each of the other thee loves (affection; sense of belonging; attachment; desire to spend time together; intense attention toward another; a keen sense of identification; eager willingness to sacrifice for another), it can also come by a conscious choice: coming out of our convictions and/or values – even when we don’t feel it emotionally.
  • When two people experience Eros and are in an exclusive relationship, the other three loves are most likely also present: they’d feel Storge of affection in their day-to-day interactions, and a sense of belonging; Philia over their common interests and common goals; and hopefully also Agape where they’d be willing to sacrifice their own conveniences, preferences or desires for the other.

How to View Various Feelings of Love

  • Acknowledge the four different loves that exist within ourselves.
  • Attraction is not identity.
  • Sex is defined as what sexual anatomical body parts we were born with.
  • Gender Identity is one’s view or expression of oneself sexually regardless of which sex one is born with.
  • Sexual Orientation is one’s attraction to a particular gender.
  • Sigmund Freud stated that we are sexually attracted to both sexes. It is what we do with our attractions that informs us of our sexual orientation. 
  • Sexual attraction does not equate sexual orientation, as we can feel attracted to more than one sex/gender.

How to View Our Identity

  • We are God’s creation, God’s children, made in the image of the Holy God. That is our identity. That is who we are.
  • Each of us in uniquely made by God, with various attributes.
  • Our identities encompass various aspects of us, including:
    • In relation to our family: a daughter or son, or a sibling.
    • Our status/positions in life: a student; a working professional; a part-timer, etc.
    • Our profession: a sanitation worker; an investment banker, a teacher; an engineer, a scientist, etc.
    • The hobbies we enjoy: a Lacrosse player; a track and field athlete; a wrestler; a musician; a chess player, etc.
    • The various talents we might possess: a thinker; artistic, analytical; athletic; mathematical; creative, etc.
    • Our sexual attractions or feelings.
  • We are not defined by any one of the above attributes, as they are aspects of what contributes to us being uniquely us.
  • Similarly, our gender, sexual feelings, sexual attractions do not make who we are, they are aspects/parts of what make us unique.

Application:

  • Know who are: God’s unique creation with our personalities, character traits, likes, preferences, giftings and talents, inclinations, and hobbies.
  • Ground our identities in our relationship with God our Creator, Christ our Savior, and the Holy Spirit Who indwells us.
  • Know that we can experience all four types of love, and just because we feel one type of love does not make (do not assume/contribute) every loving feeling as Eros.
  • Strive for Agape so we can love God with all our being: heart, mind, soul and strength; and to love others as God loves us.


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